Remembering

Up until a few weeks ago, if someone had asked me what my earliest memory is, I have a handful of memories from around age five that immediately come to mind.  I remember being in church at an evening service as a small child, lying down in the pew and watching the pastor talking. I remember lying on the floor after jumping off the stairs, which resulted in a broken arm. I remember a birthday party when my birthday cake was a barbie doll in a princess dress.

However, recently my mom gave me this amazing scrapbook she had complied throughout my childhood that detailed each year of school from pre-school until high school graduation. There were class pictures, newspaper clippings, drawings I had done, and details recorded of what teachers I had, what girls I was friends with, big events from that year. It was so fun to look through this book at a mini-version of myself and remember things that I haven't thought about in years. One fun thing that happened while I was looking at this scrapbook was that I recalled a memory that would have been earlier than all the other "first" memories I could have listed before. I very distinctly remember being in preschool, sitting at the table and finger painting with chocolate pudding. I would have been either three or four years old at the time. I have a new earliest memory!

I have always considered myself someone who has a poor memory and have often had trouble remembering lots of things from my childhood. And often when I do try to remember, I remember the bad memories way faster than the good memories. The friends who hurt me, the struggle of being a chubby kid, the months of bullying, the boys I liked who didn't like me back. The reality is, many things that happened in childhood are what produced wounds in my heart and emotional struggles for me as an adult. Perhaps it is not that I have a bad memory, but that something inside me feels it is easier not to remember.

But throughout the days after looking through this book, literally dozens, if not hundreds, of happy memories resurfaced from my childhood. Playing with the water toys outside in my primary grades, going trick or treating with my best friends, different class projects and field trips, family vacations, church kids group sleep-overs, Easter breakfasts, Christmas traditions, singing as a family and on and on. It felt good to remember.

From a few different sources I have been learning that there is a much better alternative to trying to repress painful or hurtful memories. As with me, often if we try to block out the pain of our past, we block out the joy and grace in our past as well. Instead of doing this we can bear honest witness to those memories and then take them to Jesus and let Him redeem them. Jesus is not shocked by our past. He not only knows it already, but was with us through every moment. I have deeply appreciated being able to remember those moments that caused emotional scars and ask Jesus to reveal how He was present with me in those moments. Even better, I have loved releasing that pain to Him and letting him redeem those memories. 

I find myself in a new place lately where I can think back and embrace both the fun memories of childhood and the hurtful ones with openness and grace. I do not have to distance myself from my past, but know that Jesus was present then, is with me now, and will continue walking with me as I move forward.

What is your earliest memory? How have you dealt with memories that cause you pain?

Everlasting Day

A song I heard recently described God as the Everlasting Day. This struck a chord very deep within me. No night, ever again. Just glorious, unending day and day and day. 

In the Bible, Revelation talks about just this in 21:23 "The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp." In the future kingdom of God, there will be no more night just beautiful day illuminated by Gods glory. But we're not there yet, are we?  Well, yes and no. 

In this life we experience both night and day. Literally and figuratively. Each 24 hours brings once again the setting of the sun and the world plunged into darkness. We obviously still have night. And we can also go through moments or seasons that are marked by pain or confusion or bewilderment that it feels internally like the pitch black of night. Darkness and night are marked by fear, blindness, sorrow and long hours of unanswered questions. We do not always feel awake, alive, or lit up in life. Sometimes we want to hide in the dark, want to find a corner to curl up in where no one can see us, comfort us or question us. We feel the pull to succumb to the night. And sometimes the night feels long. If you have ever woken from a bad dream in the night and not been able to sleep, sunrise feels very far away. In the same way, if you have had to endure a particularly painful and dark time in your life, the hope associated with day could not feel further from you. So do we just wait for the distant someday when we will be in this everlasting day?

2 Corinthians 4:6 says, "For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God's glory displayed in the face of Christ." The everlasting day resides inside of us if we have made Christ Lord. Christ's Spirit inside of us gives us a taste of that everlasting day.  

We need to know who we are in Jesus as we face the night and darkness of our lives. 1 Thessalonians 5:4-8 says, "But you, brothers and sisters, are not in the darkness so that this day should surprise you like a thief. You are all children of the light and children of the day. We do not belong to the night or the darkness. So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be awake and sober. For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk, get drunk at night. But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet." We are children of the day! And we can arm ourselves with faith, love, hope, salvation as we wait for that everlasting day.

We also need to remember that even in our dark moments God, who is light, is present with us. Even in our grief, our fear, our anger, our confusion, the times that we cannot see anything because we are in the dark, God is not in the dark. Psalm 139:11-12 says, "If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you."

I remember one time I had a really rough night where I was plagued by fear so strong it gripped my heart and I felt desperate, alone and without hope. There was a time in my life where this was more common, especially in the dark of night. Early the next morning, I was sitting in the living room by a large window as the sun came up. The physical presence of light broke into my dark place and melted my fear. I remember that being one of the sweetest moments, feeling wrapped tight in God's loving arms. He hadn't left me for a moment, he could see through the darkness that I experienced. But the light brought with it an awareness for me of His presence. Now I know that this same light and hope live inside me, so that even in the darkest moments, I do not need to fear. The Everlasting Day is with me.

Feel free to leave a comment sharing what you think or what you have experienced...

Out of Reach

My  baby girl was just recently in a stage where when she wanted to move forwards, she actually ended up moving backwards. (She has since progressed to a forward motion baby-style army crawl, but not yet to full out crawling). It was super cute to watch. You could see the look in her eyes when a toy was just out of reach. She wanted that toy, and was determined to get there. But the harder she tried to reach for it, push up on her arms and kick her legs, the further away she would get from it. I'm sure other parents are familiar with this stage. You can leave the room for just a few minutes, and come back to find your little one caught in some obscure corner of the room between the wall, the couch and the side table, not able to get out. Or as one of my friends experienced, the baby would end up under the couch with just her little fingers sticking out. Obviously this causes serious frustration in these developing mini people. Not only can they not reach the toy they want, but they end up in a totally unexpected, awkward and possibly even painful spot. Stuck and unable to get to where they want to be.

Sometimes I feel like this happens as we try to live Christ-like lives. I can see the life I want - living in freedom, experiencing intimacy with God, walking daily in step with the Spirit, reaching a place of victory over this struggle or that one. And yet the more I try to get there, the worse off I seem to get. The harder I try, the more I move backwards. The more I move backwards, the more frustrated I get. Remind anyone else of Romans chapter 7? "Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Thankfully it is not about trying harder to get there. Becoming more like Christ is not an object just out of reach. Instead, it is something the Spirit does inside of us. More like a baby growing. There does come a day when they can move forward and get to the toy, but it isn't accomplished purely by their will to get there and keep trying. It is accomplished by the growth that is happening in their body that over time gives them the strength to crawl forward and go places they have not been able to go before. Likewise, the Spirit is transforming us on the inside, so that one day that spiritual fruit that seems completely out of reach becomes a part of who He has made you to be.

Safe and Sound

This wintery morning I am thankful for...

• Snow - It has been a remarkably beautiful winter here.
• Snow plows - and those who drive them! After literally driving through some snow drifts last night, having clear roads in winter is so much more appreciated
• Warmth - being able to look out at the snow from the warmth of home.
• Team - met with all the youth leaders last night and deeply appreciate working as part of a team where each person has different strengths and uses them accordingly
• Baby Babble - who knew that "ba ba ba" could be such a beautiful sound?
• Friends - to talk to, to laugh with, to spend time with, to wrestle with life with...

Beautiful Morning

This morning in the midst of getting my girl up, fed and dressed, and trying to make a plan for a busy day ahead that is at the mercy of the snow squalls happening outside, I was drawn to pause by the morning light. We have gotten lots of snow the past few days, and it is forecast to keep coming. As the dark of early morning slowly started lightening up, I had to pause to notice the beauty. Snow piled high on the deck, untouched in the yard, hanging heavy on tree branches. Snow a blueish-grey in the early morning light. It was so beautiful. I was reminded of Matthew 6 where Jesus speaks of the flowers in the field, which God so magnificently clothes with no effort from themselves. How Jesus declared their beauty to far surpass the clothing made by human hands. This winter morning blanket of snow is more beautiful and worthy of my attention than a lot of the other things I could choose to spend my time on today. And though my day must move on, I paused to appreciate God's handiwork this morning. 

He Knows

Happy Belated New Year to each one of you! We were in Alberta visiting family the two weeks after Christmas, so even though we are 17 days into the year, I feel like it is still just starting! 

Last night I experienced something that is fairly common for me. My baby girl has been struggling with a cold on and off for the past few weeks, and last night her cough sounded pretty rough. So even though all three of us were tucked into our beds, and both my hubby and daughter were sleeping, that occasional nasty cough kept this mama awake for far too long. It isn't always a coughing daughter, but often when something keeps me awake at night, that's when it happens. 

Christmas Sunday

This morning I am thankful for...

Anticipation! There is the anticipation of being days or even moments away from a special event, such as Christmas or holidays. When you know the good things that are about to happen, but you just have to wait until the right time arrives. And there is the anticipation of Jesus coming - remembering His first, and continuing to anticipate His second. I have been reading the prophets lately, and most likely will be able to finish the Old Testament of the Bible in the next two days before Christmas. Talk about anticipation! It is beautiful to read the prophecies about the coming Messiah, the humble King who will bring peace to all, in the days leading up to Christmas.

God's Sovereignty! No one is in control of the universe, of our world here on earth, or even of each of our lives except God. Sovereign means having supreme rank, power or authority. Being above all others. That is our good and beautiful God! Again, from the prophets, there is nothing that we can set up as a god in our lives that even has a chance of comparing to God. Anything else is just twigs and stones, self-built facades and illusions that help us feel in control. But God is truly sovereign. Thankfully He is also Love. He is also trustworthy and good.

Life! This is our first Christmas with our daughter and it is a delight to continue seeing her grow, to be thankful for the gift she is to us! We love to watch her develop and grow on a daily basis! It makes me feel more alive to see her little life begin. And I am thankful for God, the giver of life. He created each one of us, gave us physical life. He offers eternal life to all who surrender to Jesus. He gives the Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, as a reminder that even as our physical bodies age and break down, our spirits are alive and will be forever.Thank you Jesus!