The Joys and Scars of Motherhood

This morning I am feeling grateful that I was able to celebrate Mothers Day yesterday for the first time as a Mom. It has been great to celebrate my Mom in the past as a daughter, but now I'm also one of the ones being celebrated. This past ten months has been a wild ride but so full of laughter, fun and love. It's something you can never go back from. No matter where life leads now, I will always be a mother.

One thing I have been contemplating leading up to Mothers Day is that motherhood inevitably includes both joy and scars. The joy comes in millions of moments like your first ultrasound, holding your baby for the first time, a first year filled with many firsts - smiling, rolling, crawling, walking. There is joy in watching your children grow, develop their own personality and identity, learning and becoming amazing people along the way. The joyful moments are plenty, but there are also moments that cause scars.

For some, motherhood includes the scars of waiting, longing, and even losing.
There are the physical scars of growing, stretching and giving birth.
There are life changes and personal sacrifices that can never fully be anticipated.
There are heart battle wounds from needing to discipline your child, from watching them make mistakes and get hurt, and from moving from being their closest companion to seeing them be embarrassed by you in front of their friends.
There are the bittersweet mile markers of a life-long process of your child becoming an independent adult that include everything from taking your child to daycare to helping them move out after high school to watching them start a life of their own.

Being a mother is a beautiful thing. But even in my first year of it there has been both joy and pain, both memories that I will cherish all my life and scars that will always be a part of who I now am.

So whether you have given birth to a child, raised a child or even just longed for a child, Happy Mothers Day! Be aware of God's presence with you through all the moments motherhood brings.

A Haven

Recently I was talking with some good friends about being wives, mothers, and how we see our roles in the family. It was wonderful to engage in such encouraging and uplifting conversation. One of the women talked about how she sees a big part of her role as making the home a haven for her children, and especially her husband. That as he works out of the home and takes part in various leadership roles, she purposes to make their home a place he can retreat to and find love, security and comfort. A haven.

A haven is a peaceful place in the midst of danger. A dry place to find cover from the pouring rain. A safe place to be vulnerable. A loving place to be truly yourself. It is where you set out from and where you return to. Where you are strengthened and embraced.

As a wife and mother, I love the idea of viewing our home as a haven, and viewing one of my roles in our family as creating and maintaining that safe environment. Our daughter is still in a stage where she does not often leave our care. I hope that at this point her entire awareness is love, comfort and being taken care of. So as I have been thinking about how I can make my home a haven, I have primarily been thinking about how to do this for my husband. Right now I am on maternity leave and Kevin is working full time.When I do go back to work, I am thankful my job is one I can easily leave at work. Kevin's primary work is in a ministry position that requires him to invest not only his time, but his heart as well. He holds a position with more responsibility and weight to it. It is good, and it is tiring.  I love the idea of being intentional about making our home a haven for him to come home to. I have spent some time thinking of a few things I can do to make our home a haven for Kevin.

First of all, I can take care of him. Do the daily life things that make him feel cared for. Make a tasty, healthy meal at the end of the day. Keep his clothes clean and dry. Take the few moments it takes to tidy the house before he gets home. Buy the groceries and bake the treats. And I have been learning more and more to do these things without asking for his opinion. He can truly feel at home and relax when these things are taken care of for him.

Next, I can share his burdens. Listen, without talking. Let him share his heart and help him figure things out. Be his sounding board. Support him through hard days and tough decisions. Recognize the responsibilities he has, the pressure he is under, and be the woman he comes home to when he needs to let it all out. Be his wife, his best friend, his confidante. Be trustworthy.

Finally, I can love him unconditionally. This includes all of the above and so much more. Make him feel noticed. Have fun and laugh. Hug and kiss. Let him be himself and make sure he knows he is accepted just as he is. Be aware of his needs and purpose to meet them out of love, not duty. Spend time with him. Make him aware of how you feel about him.

These ideas are really just an attempt to put words to a heart attitude. Is being a wife simply my half of a marriage contract that means cooking, cleaning and taking care of children? Or is being a wife a sacred privilege in which I get to uphold this man I love in both simple and significant ways? I want my husband to feel strengthened when he sets out each morning, and embraced when he returns home each day. I want him to feel our home is his haven.


I would love to hear your thoughts. If you are a wife or mother, or even if you just think about how you can make a haven for yourself, please feel free to leave a comment.

Beautiful Morning

This morning in the midst of getting my girl up, fed and dressed, and trying to make a plan for a busy day ahead that is at the mercy of the snow squalls happening outside, I was drawn to pause by the morning light. We have gotten lots of snow the past few days, and it is forecast to keep coming. As the dark of early morning slowly started lightening up, I had to pause to notice the beauty. Snow piled high on the deck, untouched in the yard, hanging heavy on tree branches. Snow a blueish-grey in the early morning light. It was so beautiful. I was reminded of Matthew 6 where Jesus speaks of the flowers in the field, which God so magnificently clothes with no effort from themselves. How Jesus declared their beauty to far surpass the clothing made by human hands. This winter morning blanket of snow is more beautiful and worthy of my attention than a lot of the other things I could choose to spend my time on today. And though my day must move on, I paused to appreciate God's handiwork this morning. 

Waiting and Groaning

This morning I was thinking again with sorrow of the 20 sets of parents as well as hundreds of family and friends that are experiencing such unbelievable grief this week. As I was, this passage of scripture came to mind. Romans 8:18-25 (NLT):

Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will 

reveal to us later. For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future 

day when God will reveal who his children really are. Against its will, 

all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, the 

creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in 

glorious freedom from death and decay. For we know that all creation 

has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.

 And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within 

us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when 

God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the

 new bodies he has promised us. We were given this hope when we 

were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope 

for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, 

we must wait patiently and confidently.)

As parents grieve such an unfathomable loss, the entire created world and all in it groans. As thousands each day face starvation and malnutrition, it groans. As evil continues trying to bring as much destruction as possible in this world, it groans. As countless people suffer at the hands of those with power and without compassion, it groans. As countless categories of people get the short end of the stick - the poor, the unborn, women, children, laborers, the homeless, widows, orphans, the hungry, the enslaved - this world, and all of us in it, groans for release from sin and suffering, for renewal and righteousness.  

And somehow, even though I too have shed a fair number of tears this week and felt sick to my stomach relating to the pain of these parents loss, I am thankful to be reminded that we are only in the middle of the story. We are waiting, groaning, hoping, anticipating and longing for that day when Jesus will make all things new. 

This is the question I am left considering this morning. How can I, who has the Spirit within me as a foretaste of future glory, be a source (or conduit?) of hope and restoration in this broken world? How can we?

I Can Be A Super-Model

No, no, not the long legs, size 0, walking the runway in five inch heels type of supermodel. I'm pretty certain that is not a possibility in my future. But I can be a super model.

The other day I was thinking and dreaming about Jordyn; who she will become, what interests she will have, what life choices she will make someday. I realized that even though I want her to make her own choices, I will still greatly influence how she makes those choices.

94 Years Young

In addition to being Remembrance Day, yesterday was my Grandpa's 94th birthday. So to celebrate, the Ontario contingent of the family that was available got together for a nice lasagna dinner complete with birthday cake. Being 94, my grandpa's body fails him in a few key areas - he has difficulty seeing and hearing, among other things. It can often be hard to communicate with him. Despite this, last night I realized there are a few things that transcend any communication difficulties, things that he connects with the

In the Flow

I've felt it when I'm running on the elliptical in the morning. When just the right song starts to play in my headphones, with just the right speed to match the rhythm of my feet. And suddenly my tiredness goes away, and I no longer feel like I'm struggling uphill. But instead I'm in the groove, in the flow. My body matching the tempo of the music. And for a few minutes, this crazy

Going Without

According to the Weather Network, a mammoth of a storm is on its way, one that could produce 60-100 km winds that could take down many trees, enough rain to cause flooding, and the potential for long periods of power outages. I'm quite curious if the storm will live up to the warnings and the hype. Not that I am looking forward to living in those conditions for any length of time, especially with a baby. But there is something anti-climactic when a big storm is predicted, and it passes with little impact.

Last night, Kevin and I were talking about how rough it would be to have no electricity for a few days. We've actually experienced a similar situation recently. In September we were at some good friends for a few days, and their well had run dry. So though there was electricity, there was no running water. We knew this in advance, and decided we were up for the adventure!

Going for a few days without running water is harder than I thought. Our friends drove to a neighbors once a day to fill a barrel full of water. This was used for cooking, drinking, washing dishes.  If we needed hot water it had to be boiled. If we needed to flush a toilet, you would fill a small bucket with rainwater and pour it in. When we needed to bathe our babies, we had to mix boiled water with cold in a basin. If we wanted to shower... hello neighbors!

I have to say I have never been more thankful for running water and warm showers than after that awesome, adventurous vacation!

Now today there is the smallest potential that I could find out what it is like to go without electricity for a little while.  We would have to break out some candles. Throw on our coats to cook over the barbecue on the back deck. Layer ourselves with sweaters, socks and blankets. Keep the fridge closed unless absolutely necessary.

I know I seriously take these luxuries for granted every day. Going without for any period of time is a wonderful practice in proper perspective and thankfulness.

What would be hardest for you to do without for a few days?

Uphill Climb

When I was in high school I hated walking home from school in the winter.  That twenty minutes trudging through the snow, enduring the cold wind in my face was not one of my favourite times of day.  I remember I would make up games in my mind to help distract myself from the cold and make the walk seem shorter.  I would guess how many steps I would take from one block to the next, and then count them!  My sister and I would talk about warm things hoping we could somehow draw on the mental images to warm us up - hot chocolate, hot tubs, laying on the beach...

The other day I drew on these memories while on a walk with Jordyn.  I had been downtown doing some errands.  The stroller was loaded up with groceries as well as my beautiful baby girl.  I had accomplished what I needed to do, and was on my way home.  Now, our home is in a spot where no matter which way you travel to it, you have to climb a pretty major hill to get there.  I was standing at the bottom of one of these hills, looking to the top some six blocks away.  And I was just tired, having no desire to push my loaded stroller up this hill and home.  So I decided to think of something I could do to distract myself from the climb.  I decided that rather than focusing on the top of this hill, I would focus on things along the way.  I just have to make it to that telephone poll.  I just have to make it to the edge of that driveway.  Now to that beautiful red tree. Now to that next house...  My little game worked, and before I knew it, there I was at the top of the hill, almost home!  

Hebrews 12:1-2 says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. ² We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith..."  

I love these verses, and thought of them while battling my tiredness to get up that hill.  Keep our eyes on Jesus.  Run with endurance.  However, I began to think...  If I'm fixing my eyes on Jesus, would that not be like fixing my eyes on the top of the hill?  Isn't Jesus my destination?

It is true, that Jesus is at the destination of my life.  That the inheritance of eternal life I have  received because of His love is all about Him, worshiping Him, enjoying Him.  Heaven will be centered on His glory!

But Jesus isn't only at the destination.  Jesus is with me along the way.  There are times in life where I feel like I'm living by saying, I just need to make it to next week.  I just need to make it past that major event, through this busy time, to the end of the crisis...  I just need to make it through today.  But I can still keep my eyes on Jesus in this.  Jesus is there in each mile marker of life, in the hard events, in the painful anniversaries.  Jesus is there when all I can do is put one foot in front of the other until the next day comes.  

So we can look to the top of the hill, and Jesus is there.  And we can look to the next significant moment we need to pass, and Jesus is there.  We can keep our eyes on Him in each moment of life. 

Redefine Part 2: Surrender vs. Decide

If you have ever heard the same story told by two different people, you know that different perspectives can completely change the outlook on a situation.  For example…

Viewpoints Video

The exact same sequence of events seen from different points of view can make you come to different conclusions.

This is something I have been thinking about when it comes to having a relationship with God.  Do we decide to follow God?  Doesn’t God pursue us?  Love us first before we even know it?  But even still, it is still my choice to follow God, right?

There is a familiar chorus that says, “I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back.”  I feel that many Christians would say that they made a decision to follow Jesus, that after careful thought and consideration, or after a certain clarifying moment in their lives, they decided to commit their lives to God.  And from their perspective, that is how it feels – I was not following God, and then for various reasons, I decided to follow Him.  Though God is obviously a part of this decision, it really puts the responsibility and direction of our relationship with God in our hands.

But from the perspective of looking back on my life, when I take in the sequence of events that I have gone through, it becomes much clearer how active God has been in my life, how He has lead me and guided me with His loving kindness.  He has pursued me with gentleness and love.  He has been patient through my half-hearted growth and He has been faithful despite my erratic devotion.  He has not changed, but has consistently drawn me closer to Himself, wooing me and showing me the depth of His love.  And for my part, I stumble and stammer, sometimes walking with Him, and other times losing my footing. 

Realizing all of this, the idea of “I have decided…” does not seem to be appropriate.  If “decided” is the right word, then I have had to make that decision over and over again.  Yet somehow, I know that I have a relationship with God that is not lost despite my ups and downs. 

I am starting to think a much more appropriate term for the beginning and continuing of my relationship with God is Surrender.  This is still an action on my part, but with much more recognition of God’s hand working in me.  I have surrendered my life to Jesus.  And as I continue to walk imperfectly through this life, I will continue to surrender different aspects of my heart to Him as He leads me, as He molds me and shapes me.  I have surrendered my desire to be the one making decisions but instead desire to have Jesus as Lord and Master.  

Redefine Part 1 : Wisdom vs. Requests

Everyday we all operate out of internal constructs that tell us how life works and how we should live.  We have been taught through life experiences, through other people, through education, and many other influences, that this is how things are.  For example, if someone has continuously had people hurt them - parents, friends, lovers - they learn in their mind and heart that people cannot be trusted, and they begin operating out of this idea.  They close their hearts to love, keep others at arms length, and assume that only they can take care of and provide for themselves.   

There is definitely a danger when these narratives in our lives are false.  We usually end up hurting ourselves or others, and rob ourselves of the fullness of life we could have.  In my own life changing these false ideas has been often difficult, but always worth it in the end.  Sometimes the realization that I am living out of an incorrect view of things is a long uncovering process in my heart, and other times it takes mere seconds to recognize a false narrative for what it is and adopt a new perspective.  Lately I have experienced this a few times, and I want to explore here how these things are being redefined.

Prayer.  How do we pray?  What do we pray for?  I have to admit, like most people I know in the Christian community, it is very easy to pray and ask God to do things for me.  God, please make it not rain on that day we have an outdoor event.  God, please help me do well on my test.  God, please help us drive safely as we travel.  God, please make my baby sleep.

Please make my baby sleep – this is the prayer I was about to pray a few weeks ago when Jordyn was having a really rough day.  But as I was sitting there, holding her, it struck me that she is a baby.  And babies cry.  And cry.  And do not always sleep well.  I cannot expect that every time she is cranky, I can pray, and God will make her sleep. 

So I started to think about what I pray for, and what I should pray for.  There is a big difference between asking God to do something for me, and seeking His presence within my life and circumstances.  When Jordyn is not sleeping and crying, I can pray for His presence, for patience, for His love – that goes beyond our understanding – to fill me so that I can endure these hard moments. 

In the end I prayed for wisdom.  God, give me wisdom to know what is best for my daughter in every situation.  Wisdom to know when to gently hold her and soothe her, or when to walk away and take a breather.  God, give me your heart for her, that I can love her and care for her the way that You love and care for us.  I know there are going to be lots of hard moments – being a parent, but in all of life too.  God is not going to fix them all, because that’s not what it is about.  God is much more about relationship than quick fixes or instant answers.  So now I often pray for wisdom, inner strength, love, patience, and most of all an awareness of His presence in me each moment.  

Equal Not Same

A few weeks ago we were browsing on Netflix for a movie to watch.  We came across one movie called "Two Weeks" about four adult children saying goodbye to their dying mother and also dealing with things between each other.  We watched the movie preview, but didn't end up watching that movie.  But there was a line from the movie preview that caught my attention and has not left my mind since.

The dying mother character in the movie was making a video for her kids.  I haven't seen the movie, but it appears that all four of her kids are very different from each other, and obviously do not get along with each other.  The mom says, "I love you all equally, but I don't love you all the same."

I love you equally but not the same.  I find this a fascinating and freeing thought.  That the amount of love you have for someone does not necessarily dictate how that love is shown.  Especially when there are multiple people being included - for example in this movie - a woman has four children and loves them all but shows that love uniquely to each child depending on who they are and the relationship they have built.  Or I also think of three young ladies I know who have a best friend triangle between them.  They each love the others so much.  But I am sure if I asked them, they do not probably love each of the other two the same.  They get along as a threesome wonderfully, but I would bet the three separate one-on-one relationships that make up the friendship are all unique to the others.  

There is no cookie-cutter way to love your friends, your family, your neighbors.  I do not even think God shows His love to each of us the same - equally yes, but perhaps not the same.  In the big grand narrative He ultimately showed His love for us by sending Jesus, who died in our place on the cross and rose again to conquer sin so that we could have right relationship with God - this is for all of us.  But God made each of us and knows us inside and out.  He walks with us each day and I am sure shows His love for you and me in ways that we can understand, in ways that meet us where we are.  

I think this takes out the "should" in loving others.  I should do this for so-and-so because I did it for that person.  I should make sure that my siblings, or my friends, or my children get the exact same measure of my love.  Instead, it becomes a matter of being present in each relationship and uniquely loving each one in ways that will speak to them and touch their hearts.  One friend may need a crazy fun night out once a month, and another a weekly chat over coffee.  But in all of this, we continue to love each other more and more.

Never Be the Same

One month ago our sweet baby girl was born.  Jordyn Grace, 10:03 am on July 6th after 11 hours of labour,  7 lbs, 14 oz, 21 inches.  Details that will be forever ingrained in my memory.  I knew on that day that our lives would never be the same again, though I didn't really know what that meant yet.  Now, one month later, I have a growing understanding of what it means to be parents, what this huge event in our lives is going to mean for us.  On a day to day basis, I am learning what it means to take care of a daughter.  To make sure she is fed, changed, and sleeping at the right times, to hold her and comfort her when needed.  But also in my heart I am learning what it means to have a daughter.  I now know a totally new kind of love that is also going to change me and because of her existence in my life I will never be who I was one month ago again.  I always knew that having a child would teach me so much about God, about love.  That in becoming a mother, and experiencing this kind of love, that I would have a new understanding for His love for us.  And this is already true.  His love is not based on anything we have done, it is pure and complete and based solely on the fact that He is our Father.  Jordyn is one month old, and has really done nothing yet except exist, but already Kevin and I love her so much.  Our love for her is not based on accomplishment or performance, but on the fact that she is our daughter.  I am excited to continue on this adventure, though with a mix of overwhelming awe and nervousness as well.  I am excited to learn who this little girl is going to be.  I walk forward in humility and dependence on God.  


Happy One Month Jordyn!

Motherhood

The due date for my first child is 6 days away - which is one of the reasons I'm up at 6:30 am instead of sleeping in on a Saturday morning (cannot wait for comfortable sleep to return...)  As I'm sitting here awake, feeling this baby inside me, I'm feeling overwhelmed but also in awe of the responsibility of motherhood that is about to become mine.  I, along with Kevin, and the support of our families and church family, get to take care of this little person, and help him/ her grow physically, emotionally, spiritually.  I will be the one they run for when they're hurt or sad.  I will be key in directing them to the Lord, in comforting them, in helping them become strong and confident, loving and adventurous, godly and healthy.  It is crazy to think of.


One of the other things I'm thinking of is the great examples of motherhood I have around me that I can look to as I become a mother.  I am very blessed in this regard, and am so glad I do not go into this alone.  Here are a few of the amazing mothers I know and what I have learned from them.


My Mom - I have an amazing mom and I know I will be thankful for her example and her continued support as I become a mom.  She loves very deeply.  She gives freely.  She prays faithfully and believes God answers.  She is not afraid of hard work, and can accomplish amazing things!


My Sister - I have loved watching my sister as a mother, seeing her dream come to life.  She is gentle and purposeful with her girls.  She is willing and able to do difficult things in the moment, knowing that it will be good for her girls in the long run.  She loves and cares for them in such a beautiful way.  It is inspiring to me.


My Mother-in-Law - Kevin's mom is an incredible woman as well.  He often talks about when he was growing up, that she was very intentional about being an active part of his life, playing sports with him and helping him learn how to make healthy and God honoring choices.  


Friends - My friend Melissa instills confidence, creativity and passion for God into her two little boys.  Another friend, Loni is an amazing example of entrepreneurship, beauty and love.  Charmaine is a strong, vibrant woman, and has a heart for worship.  Yolanda is playful and patient.  Liz shows her kids how beautiful a godly marriage can be.  


I am so glad to have these, and many more amazing women in my life as I start this journey.  I hope and pray I can become a great mother as well - God helping me.  

Perspective: Gratitude

One week ago along with my youth group, I was at All Ontario Youth Convention and had the opportunity to  hear Shane Claiborne speak.  One week later, I'm still digesting some of the things I heard that pricked my heart.  One of the questions that I've been faced with this past week is - what does it mean to live a life of gratitude?


Here are some of my own thoughts from this past week that normally would appear normal, but are really born out of an ungrateful heart...

• Pregnancy is getting really uncomfortable - swollen feet and hands, hurts to walk, hurts to sleep
• That angry customer I just talked to was a major pain in the neck
• I'm bored
• I wish I had enough money to buy...
• Waking up in the middle of the night is getting very frustrating 
• The rooms in my house are too small, I wish we had more space
• It's hot outside
• and on and on and on....

This past week when thoughts like this have come to mind, some of them have actually caught my attention and made me stop and think.  I need to foster a heart of gratitude instead of self-focused entitlement.  When I think of Jesus, of His love and grace, of the ways God has blessed me, and when I broaden my view to think of others, what they are facing and going through, there is no reason to live ungrateful.

• I have a beautiful baby growing inside of me when others have not been able to conceive or carry a baby to term
• I have access to incredible health care that will allow this baby to come into the world healthy and strong, and that will take care of me
• I have been blessed with a great job that I enjoy, great staff to work with, and a steady income
• If someone is angry on the phone, I do not know their life situation and what they are going through.  And I have the Spirit with me, to walk with me if I feel hurt by anothers words
• God provides 
• I have a house, I have a bed, these are incredible gifts that millions of people go without
• I live in a wonderful country with changing seasons that all have their own beauty.
• No matter what I struggle with, God does not treat me as I deserve, but as a Father with his daughter, He treats me with love, grace and forgiveness.  And He walks with me as I try to become more like Him.

I want to live in gratitude each day for who God is and what He has done in my life.  The thing is, it does not stop at merely feeling grateful.  From hearing Shane speak, a life of gratitude goes much further.  It may start with expressing thanks to God, using words, prayers and musical worship to try and express that gratitude.  This is very appropriate and a great response to God for all He has done for us.  But it does not stop there.  

A life of gratitude looks around and says "this is too good to keep to myself" (Shane).  It gives birth to amazing generosity, reckless sharing, and an opening of ones hands and heart.  A life of gratitude looks at the blessings God has given to me - Love, Grace, financial security, food, possessions, knowledge, talents, etc. and says - "I want to let God bless others through me."  Whatever we have in our hands that God has given to us, we can choose to hold onto tightly, or we can use to love and bless others.  A life of gratitude loves and blesses others - and spreads the love and grace of Jesus all over.

This is something I'm still trying to figure out.  And I know God will walk with me through this.  I think it starts with a perspective change, like I was encountering this past week - recognizing my closed hand attitudes of ungratefulness, and choose to instead look with a heart of gratitude at each moment, each joy and struggle I face.  

Movement

I love baby movement!  I have been feeling my baby move for about 13 weeks and I have not gotten over it yet.  When the baby moves, it is a sign of life and a sign of growth.  As an expectant mother, it is always a positive thing to feel my baby move.  


But what about for the baby?  I know that every time he (or she) moves, it is not out of excitement and joy of being alive!  Sometimes he is cramped and uncomfortable, trying to find a better position.  Sometimes he is reacting to external stimuli.  If I drink something cold, he might be moving away from that odd sensation.  If there is a loud noise, he might be startled.  If there is a big change from dark to light, again the baby is reacting to something that is new or uncertain.  


Other times the baby is reacting to the sound of my voice talking or singing.  Or he is just awake and moving around for fun.  


But I take all movement as good - all movement is a sign that this baby is growing and alive!  


It has made me wonder...  When we cry out to God in hard circumstances, when we figuratively (or literally?) kick and scream over discomfort in our lives, when we react to new or uncomfortable things - does God get excited because these are signs of life?  Does He say - Yes!  She's growing, she's going through things that are going to develop her character and make her more into the woman I'm forming her to be! 


I know this is too simplistic - I know that God grieves with us when we grieve, that He is bringing His Kingdom, and He is in the process of making all things new, doing away with pain, suffering and death.  And I know He tells us to cast our cares on Him because He cares for us.  But I still wonder if from His perspective, when we struggle and wrestle with hard things, if to Him this is a sign of life and growth that excites Him for what He knows is coming.  

Quiet Space

My life is often not only busy, but noisy.  Not necessarily always physical, outward noise, but inner noise.  Inner noise to me includes everything from my thoughts and worries each day, trying to multi-task, constantly being on the computer, facebook and watching tv or movies.  Noise.  Even if I'm in a quiet room, often my mind is full of noise.  


This noise drowns out my hearts movements, as well as the Spirit's voice in my life. This is one reason that lately I have been pursuing what I am calling Quiet Space.  


Now, many Christians try to have a "quiet time" which usually means trying to carve out a small or large piece of time each day to read the bible, reflect, and pray.  This is great, but this is not what I'm talking about exactly.  Since January I have only actually experienced this quiet space twice, and both times were prompted by God's Spirit, not my own desire and decision to make it happen.  It was not me saying that I was going to take a half hour to be quiet with God, but it was Him nudging me to drop what I was doing and come be with Him.  And both times were profoundly enriching and restoring to my soul.  


It is as if there is a first level of being in a physically quiet place, then a deeper level of quieting the heart and mind, and this quiet space is even deeper in that my soul itself is quiet.  I think this is why it is not a daily experience as it is very hard to get to this place.  But it makes me hungry for more of this vulnerability and quiet before my Creator and Saviour.  To be fully present in my entire being with Him, with no agenda or timeframe, but to just be with Him, open and listening.


For years I have been asking God for more of Himself.  I feel this is part of the answer to that prayer, and its not what I expected, but it is so good.

Appreciation

Today at work I helped a customer via email find the right part number for a fridge part they had broken and got the shipment out today for her.  This is a very normal part of my day - talking with people, making sure it is the right part, and getting it out as quickly as possible.  But after everything was settled, she emailed back saying that this was the best service she had ever experienced for a matter like this.  She asked me to pass along the compliment to my supervisor.

That just made my day, I have to be honest.  I realized from how surprised I was from this customers appreciation that in general people do not express gratitude to each other.  More often than not, we take each other for granted or only speak up to someone when we are upset.

I try to offer great service no matter who I am dealing with, to treat each customer with respect, friendliness and prompt service.  But very seldom is this effort recognized by the customer (by my co-workers, yes, we encourage each other and value each others work). This made me wonder two things.

First, what is it in us that overlooks saying thanks?  Perhaps we are so busy and filled with mental noise that nothing else can reach us except what is urgent and demanding our attention in our own lives.  We are so pre-occupied that we fail to recognize that we interact with other humans beings with emotions.  Especially if someone is providing a service for us, we see them as doing their job and forget that they may be doing their very best and may be in need of encouragement.

Second, who do I overlook?  Who do I encounter throughout my day or week that I could be speaking words of life into, but instead I just pass by? There is a cashier that I often get in the grocery store that is always very pleasant and friendly.  One of the ladies at a company we work with is always very prompt and goes above and beyond to help our customers.  There are people in my church who are amazing behind the scenes volunteers who clean, stack chairs, make coffee, etc. etc. How often do I recognize these types of people and let them know their hard work is noticed and valued.  

I'm hoping in the next few days I get to make someone else's day the same way this person made my day.

Pregnancy and Doubt

Two posts back I introduced our new baby to the world via ultrasound picture.  I titled that post "Faith Made Sight", but didn't take the time to explain what I meant by that.  

It took me a very long time to actually believe I was pregnant.  At the very first, you cannot feel anything, and all you have is this little store bought device telling you that something monumental is starting to happen inside your body.  Then slowly, over the weeks, things start changing.  The constant urge to toss your cookies becomes an ever-present, and unwelcome companion.  You miss, one, two, then three periods.  Your clothes that were a little loose, start fitting properly, then start being tight.  But through all of this, I would often say to Kevin - what if I'm wrong, what if this isn't happening?  What if I'm crazy?!  It is just such a surreal experience that even with the very evident pregnancy signs that were taking place, I had a hard time believing it.  I went for my first doctors appointment, and one of the most affirming things happened - I got to hear the baby's heartbeat.  Second appointment, same thing, heart beat, measuring well...  But for some reason I do not think I was entirely convinced until I got to see this little person on that ultrasound screen.  It was there!  It was moving!  I could see it's heart beating!  I guess I'm really pregnant!

As Kevin experienced all of this with me, I think he just laughed at my pregnancy doubt.  How could something that was so obviously true and happening, be hard for me to believe?

One night I turned to him and said - Doubting pregnancy is like doubting God.  You can keep experiencing things that show you how real God is, and yet the next moment, be questioning if it really happened, if you're not just making it up.  God speaks to us, cares for us, leads us.  His Spirit prompts us and moves us.  But we don't always know how to hear, to recognize Him.  Once in a while, His Spirit gets through to our spirit - through quiet, through the Word, through a song or a sermon, through nature - and we know He is real, He is moving in us and around us.  We know it.  But days later, whether from busyness, social media noise, stress, loneliness or anything else, we are not so sure anymore.  God didn't speak to me, did He?  He's not really trying to walk with me...

It was pretty amazing to see this baby on that ultrasound screen - shaky faith made sight.  And I can't wait to meet this baby in June.  One day we will get to see the Lord face to face - but for now we have His Spirit working in us and around us, His Word teaching us how to hear Him, and each other to press one another on in following Him, in having faith and holding onto the moments we recognize Him in our lives.

Faith Made Sight

As you may or may not know, Kevin and I are expecting our first child.  I'm 19 weeks tomorrow.  And today we got to meet this little one via ultrasound.  Pretty crazy stuff, seeing your unborn child's heart beating, seeing it shifting its arms in it's sleep.  Pretty amazing that God is weaving this little person together inside me.