Saturday, February 11, 2012

Pregnancy and Doubt

Two posts back I introduced our new baby to the world via ultrasound picture.  I titled that post "Faith Made Sight", but didn't take the time to explain what I meant by that.  

It took me a very long time to actually believe I was pregnant.  At the very first, you cannot feel anything, and all you have is this little store bought device telling you that something monumental is starting to happen inside your body.  Then slowly, over the weeks, things start changing.  The constant urge to toss your cookies becomes an ever-present, and unwelcome companion.  You miss, one, two, then three periods.  Your clothes that were a little loose, start fitting properly, then start being tight.  But through all of this, I would often say to Kevin - what if I'm wrong, what if this isn't happening?  What if I'm crazy?!  It is just such a surreal experience that even with the very evident pregnancy signs that were taking place, I had a hard time believing it.  I went for my first doctors appointment, and one of the most affirming things happened - I got to hear the baby's heartbeat.  Second appointment, same thing, heart beat, measuring well...  But for some reason I do not think I was entirely convinced until I got to see this little person on that ultrasound screen.  It was there!  It was moving!  I could see it's heart beating!  I guess I'm really pregnant!

As Kevin experienced all of this with me, I think he just laughed at my pregnancy doubt.  How could something that was so obviously true and happening, be hard for me to believe?

One night I turned to him and said - Doubting pregnancy is like doubting God.  You can keep experiencing things that show you how real God is, and yet the next moment, be questioning if it really happened, if you're not just making it up.  God speaks to us, cares for us, leads us.  His Spirit prompts us and moves us.  But we don't always know how to hear, to recognize Him.  Once in a while, His Spirit gets through to our spirit - through quiet, through the Word, through a song or a sermon, through nature - and we know He is real, He is moving in us and around us.  We know it.  But days later, whether from busyness, social media noise, stress, loneliness or anything else, we are not so sure anymore.  God didn't speak to me, did He?  He's not really trying to walk with me...

It was pretty amazing to see this baby on that ultrasound screen - shaky faith made sight.  And I can't wait to meet this baby in June.  One day we will get to see the Lord face to face - but for now we have His Spirit working in us and around us, His Word teaching us how to hear Him, and each other to press one another on in following Him, in having faith and holding onto the moments we recognize Him in our lives.

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