Sloppy Wet Kiss

There is a powerful song performed by Kim Walker called "How He Loves Us". I heard it for the first time around five years ago and I was completely taken by how the music and lyrics portray the exhilarating, breath-taking reality that God loves us. It is still a very meaningful song to me and a fairly popular one among many Christians. However, there is one line in the song that has never quite sat right with me before.

The second verse ends, "...Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss / And my heart turns violently inside of my chest / I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way / He loves us, Oh how he loves us..."

When I heard "sloppy wet kiss" the only image that was brought to mind was adolescences who had not quite mastered the art of kissing. Any kiss I had experienced that could be described as "sloppy" and "wet" had not been enjoyable. Why would we use such an image to describe heaven meeting earth, God's love coming down to touch our hearts? If a kiss was being given from heaven to us, I can only assume it would not be sloppy or distasteful in any way! All of this changed in the last week.

I recently have been trying to teach my 11-month old daughter how to give kisses. For a few weeks I have been saying "kiss", and leaning in to kiss her forehead or cheek, hoping sometime the connection would be made and she would mimic this sign of affection back to me. And finally it happened. As she sat on my lap facing me, her chin was covered in drool and her mouth was wide open, but when I asked her for a kiss, she leaned her little face right into mine and planted her sloppy, wet kiss right on my lips! My heart filled to bursting with love and joy and pride and happiness as I received my first kiss from this dear little girl!

And almost right away I thought of this line from this song. I realized heaven is not the sloppy kisser, we are! Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss as we lean in to respond to God's invitation through grace. And when we get it for the first time, when we hear God's "Can I have a kiss?" and lean our messy, wet faces to kiss His, it is not uncomfortable or awkward. It is delightful! God's heart fills to bursting with a Father's love and He is so ecstatic at our return of His affection. He cheers and claps and swings us around in a big bear hug. When we become aware of His overwhelming love, that He is not evaluating, but delighting in us as we surrender to  Him, our hearts get rearranged. We cannot hold on to sorrow, regret, or our "if only's" because He loves us!

Oh how He loves us!

Fellowship With One Another

Recently the youth group I help lead got to hear a guest speaker talking about his work as an aviator missionary in Mongolia. It was very interesting to hear about the various flights he has made as well as about the culture of the country he serves in.

After his talk, there was a question and answer period, and he was asked about the church in Mongolia, and if there is anything the North American church could learn from them.

He said in Mongolia the church has no denominations. He said we could learn to put aside our differences and focus on what unifies us - the gospel, loving people.

No denominations. I can barely imagine what it is like to have no denominations. I never really considered that outside of North America there are places where the Church does not experience the same fragmentation that we do here. I am so used to being divided by secondary issues, that it truly surprised me to think about a Christian community that does not define itself by the details of what it believes outside of Christ.

All of this made me me think of a quote I read in The Good and Beautiful Community by James Bryan Smith. He writes, "We simply must not divide over things we cannot fully understand. Especially in light of the fact that what we can understand, what is not a murky mystery but a blinding truth, is something we can all agree on: Jesus is Lord! If your heart beats in love for Jesus, then take my hand and we will walk together in fellowship." Our differences of opinion on the things we can only partially understand do not override our unity on the one essential thing we do understand. Again Smith says, "If you do not look, act, worship or believe as I do, but your heart beats in love for Jesus, then regardless of our differences, we can and must have fellowship with one another."

What does it look like to have fellowship with one another, regardless of non-essential beliefs? It would not be merely putting up with each other. It would mean genuinely having community with each other - love, growth, mutual grace and taking care of one another. It would mean understanding that there are a diverse number of ways to faithfully follow Christ. It would mean being humble enough to recognize that my own understanding of Scripture and of who God is, is still just a best attempt at truly seeing the truth, and that we have a more complete picture together.

I looked up the word fellowship, and one of the things I found was that it is directly related to the words communion and community. If you are a follower of Jesus, then you are in community with every other follower of Jesus. We are united around Christ, around His grace and love. We are united around the sacrifice He made which broke his body and shed his blood for our redemption. We are united around the table, around remembering and celebrating Christ. We are a diverse, beautiful group of people that have fellowship based on Jesus Christ alone.

If your heart beats in love for Jesus, then take my hand and we will walk together in fellowship

Celebrity Connection

Ten years ago if I were to connect on any sort of personal level with someone famous, it would require getting backstages passes to a concert, or standing in line at a book signing, or even pushing my way to the front of a crowd to try and shake hands with a passing actor. In recent days however, the rise of social media has made it possible to connect with celebrities in a much more tangible way. 

For me, I follow a few of my favourite writers, speakers and bakers as they share their thoughts via blogs, facebook and twitter. If Don Miller has a thought he would like to share, I can know about it within minutes. When Michael Hyatt posts a blog that impacts me, I can not only read it but comment and engage in the community discussion that the post creates. I have heard of others who have built relationships with such online mentors, even growing to the point of sharing guest posts on their websites or collaborating on projects together through this online connection.

On a couple occasions I have even had writers respond directly to me when I have commented on their blogs. There is something about knowing that they read my comment and replied themselves that is really exciting to me. Yes, this might make me a nerd. I'm ok with that. 

However, in all of this one thing I am learning is that those that I consider celebrities are still just people. They share their thoughts on things they love and are excited about, and attract like-minded people. They are well known and successful but still probably find the most satisfaction in being loved by family and spending time with good friends. They make mistakes, get tired or frustrated, and on occasion have to deal with the shadow side of their lives within their online community too. 

I do get excited about the idea of connecting with deep theological thinkers, creative writers, and leaders in various areas of life. I will continue engaging with these people at the level that I am able, and enjoying my occasional online brushes with fame. But the reality is I most likely still will not become their friends, or meet them face to face. And that's ok.

In his song Whom Shall I Fear, Chris Tomlin wrote the line, "The One who reigns forever, He is a friend of mine. The God of angel armies is always by my side." This blows my excitement about blog post comments out of the water. Forget about fame and celebrity status. Forget about being well known for writing transformational books or baking decadent new treats. The Creator of all people, all beauty, all love knows me. He doesn't just read my comments. He doesn't just know about me. He knows me intimately and is with me. He loves me and invites me to walk every day in His presence. He is not a celebrity but the King of kings, and I am His! 

Remembering

Up until a few weeks ago, if someone had asked me what my earliest memory is, I have a handful of memories from around age five that immediately come to mind.  I remember being in church at an evening service as a small child, lying down in the pew and watching the pastor talking. I remember lying on the floor after jumping off the stairs, which resulted in a broken arm. I remember a birthday party when my birthday cake was a barbie doll in a princess dress.

However, recently my mom gave me this amazing scrapbook she had complied throughout my childhood that detailed each year of school from pre-school until high school graduation. There were class pictures, newspaper clippings, drawings I had done, and details recorded of what teachers I had, what girls I was friends with, big events from that year. It was so fun to look through this book at a mini-version of myself and remember things that I haven't thought about in years. One fun thing that happened while I was looking at this scrapbook was that I recalled a memory that would have been earlier than all the other "first" memories I could have listed before. I very distinctly remember being in preschool, sitting at the table and finger painting with chocolate pudding. I would have been either three or four years old at the time. I have a new earliest memory!

I have always considered myself someone who has a poor memory and have often had trouble remembering lots of things from my childhood. And often when I do try to remember, I remember the bad memories way faster than the good memories. The friends who hurt me, the struggle of being a chubby kid, the months of bullying, the boys I liked who didn't like me back. The reality is, many things that happened in childhood are what produced wounds in my heart and emotional struggles for me as an adult. Perhaps it is not that I have a bad memory, but that something inside me feels it is easier not to remember.

But throughout the days after looking through this book, literally dozens, if not hundreds, of happy memories resurfaced from my childhood. Playing with the water toys outside in my primary grades, going trick or treating with my best friends, different class projects and field trips, family vacations, church kids group sleep-overs, Easter breakfasts, Christmas traditions, singing as a family and on and on. It felt good to remember.

From a few different sources I have been learning that there is a much better alternative to trying to repress painful or hurtful memories. As with me, often if we try to block out the pain of our past, we block out the joy and grace in our past as well. Instead of doing this we can bear honest witness to those memories and then take them to Jesus and let Him redeem them. Jesus is not shocked by our past. He not only knows it already, but was with us through every moment. I have deeply appreciated being able to remember those moments that caused emotional scars and ask Jesus to reveal how He was present with me in those moments. Even better, I have loved releasing that pain to Him and letting him redeem those memories. 

I find myself in a new place lately where I can think back and embrace both the fun memories of childhood and the hurtful ones with openness and grace. I do not have to distance myself from my past, but know that Jesus was present then, is with me now, and will continue walking with me as I move forward.

What is your earliest memory? How have you dealt with memories that cause you pain?

Everlasting Day

A song I heard recently described God as the Everlasting Day. This struck a chord very deep within me. No night, ever again. Just glorious, unending day and day and day. 

In the Bible, Revelation talks about just this in 21:23 "The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp." In the future kingdom of God, there will be no more night just beautiful day illuminated by Gods glory. But we're not there yet, are we?  Well, yes and no. 

In this life we experience both night and day. Literally and figuratively. Each 24 hours brings once again the setting of the sun and the world plunged into darkness. We obviously still have night. And we can also go through moments or seasons that are marked by pain or confusion or bewilderment that it feels internally like the pitch black of night. Darkness and night are marked by fear, blindness, sorrow and long hours of unanswered questions. We do not always feel awake, alive, or lit up in life. Sometimes we want to hide in the dark, want to find a corner to curl up in where no one can see us, comfort us or question us. We feel the pull to succumb to the night. And sometimes the night feels long. If you have ever woken from a bad dream in the night and not been able to sleep, sunrise feels very far away. In the same way, if you have had to endure a particularly painful and dark time in your life, the hope associated with day could not feel further from you. So do we just wait for the distant someday when we will be in this everlasting day?

2 Corinthians 4:6 says, "For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God's glory displayed in the face of Christ." The everlasting day resides inside of us if we have made Christ Lord. Christ's Spirit inside of us gives us a taste of that everlasting day.  

We need to know who we are in Jesus as we face the night and darkness of our lives. 1 Thessalonians 5:4-8 says, "But you, brothers and sisters, are not in the darkness so that this day should surprise you like a thief. You are all children of the light and children of the day. We do not belong to the night or the darkness. So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be awake and sober. For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk, get drunk at night. But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet." We are children of the day! And we can arm ourselves with faith, love, hope, salvation as we wait for that everlasting day.

We also need to remember that even in our dark moments God, who is light, is present with us. Even in our grief, our fear, our anger, our confusion, the times that we cannot see anything because we are in the dark, God is not in the dark. Psalm 139:11-12 says, "If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you."

I remember one time I had a really rough night where I was plagued by fear so strong it gripped my heart and I felt desperate, alone and without hope. There was a time in my life where this was more common, especially in the dark of night. Early the next morning, I was sitting in the living room by a large window as the sun came up. The physical presence of light broke into my dark place and melted my fear. I remember that being one of the sweetest moments, feeling wrapped tight in God's loving arms. He hadn't left me for a moment, he could see through the darkness that I experienced. But the light brought with it an awareness for me of His presence. Now I know that this same light and hope live inside me, so that even in the darkest moments, I do not need to fear. The Everlasting Day is with me.

Feel free to leave a comment sharing what you think or what you have experienced...

Out of Reach

My  baby girl was just recently in a stage where when she wanted to move forwards, she actually ended up moving backwards. (She has since progressed to a forward motion baby-style army crawl, but not yet to full out crawling). It was super cute to watch. You could see the look in her eyes when a toy was just out of reach. She wanted that toy, and was determined to get there. But the harder she tried to reach for it, push up on her arms and kick her legs, the further away she would get from it. I'm sure other parents are familiar with this stage. You can leave the room for just a few minutes, and come back to find your little one caught in some obscure corner of the room between the wall, the couch and the side table, not able to get out. Or as one of my friends experienced, the baby would end up under the couch with just her little fingers sticking out. Obviously this causes serious frustration in these developing mini people. Not only can they not reach the toy they want, but they end up in a totally unexpected, awkward and possibly even painful spot. Stuck and unable to get to where they want to be.

Sometimes I feel like this happens as we try to live Christ-like lives. I can see the life I want - living in freedom, experiencing intimacy with God, walking daily in step with the Spirit, reaching a place of victory over this struggle or that one. And yet the more I try to get there, the worse off I seem to get. The harder I try, the more I move backwards. The more I move backwards, the more frustrated I get. Remind anyone else of Romans chapter 7? "Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Thankfully it is not about trying harder to get there. Becoming more like Christ is not an object just out of reach. Instead, it is something the Spirit does inside of us. More like a baby growing. There does come a day when they can move forward and get to the toy, but it isn't accomplished purely by their will to get there and keep trying. It is accomplished by the growth that is happening in their body that over time gives them the strength to crawl forward and go places they have not been able to go before. Likewise, the Spirit is transforming us on the inside, so that one day that spiritual fruit that seems completely out of reach becomes a part of who He has made you to be.

He Knows

Happy Belated New Year to each one of you! We were in Alberta visiting family the two weeks after Christmas, so even though we are 17 days into the year, I feel like it is still just starting! 

Last night I experienced something that is fairly common for me. My baby girl has been struggling with a cold on and off for the past few weeks, and last night her cough sounded pretty rough. So even though all three of us were tucked into our beds, and both my hubby and daughter were sleeping, that occasional nasty cough kept this mama awake for far too long. It isn't always a coughing daughter, but often when something keeps me awake at night, that's when it happens. 

Redefine: Struggle vs. Growth

I often use the word "struggle" to describe the various things I face each day that I find difficult. If I ate one (or five) too many cookies that day, I "struggled" with my eating habits. If I finally dragged myself out of bed after pushing the snooze button four times, I "struggled" with waking up early. If I did not get all the things on my to-do list accomplished, I "struggled" with housework, and therefore "struggled" with some negative self talk as well for the rest of that day. I probably struggle with something every day, and I have a few areas in my life that I would say I struggle with on an ongoing basis.

Walking with God

This past week at my youth group I had the privilege of teaching the lesson for the night. (Special hello to any River Warriors youth who are reading this!!!) I talked about the difference between head knowledge of God and heart belief in God. About how I can know (head) that God loves me, but when it actually hits a hard reality of a struggle I'm facing or a sin I keep committing, my true beliefs are exposed and the small fears that creep up tell me my heart is not yet fully convinced that God really does love me and offers

Redefine Part 3: Kingdom Living vs. Self-Willed Living

This post has been a beast for me to get out. I started it at least a month ago. It has been hard to write because it is still in process in my life. It is not something I have learned and can reflect on, it is something I am learning and processing each day.

When you hear the word "productivity", does it stoke the fires of your inner drive, or douse the flames of your inner carefree spirit?

I have been a new mom now for over four months, and most days I am at home taking care of Jordyn, putzing around the house, doing what needs to get done. And there is always a good list of things that need to get done. Laundry, dishes, sweeping, dusting, on and on and on.  I am not a task driven person, however, so constantly feeling required to be productive is not easy for me.  Feeling like I need to accomplish housework and keep everything in

Be Made Whole

So often we, as broken people, put the burden of fixing ourselves on ourselves. We try, harder and harder. We make promises to ourselves, commitments to God. We push, we strive, we fight with our brokenness. We even ask God for the strength to change. But we are ultimately expecting to do it ourselves. 

But we do not have the strength or ability to fix our brokenness. We crumble under the weight of it. We really only have the strength to go to One who is

In the Flow

I've felt it when I'm running on the elliptical in the morning. When just the right song starts to play in my headphones, with just the right speed to match the rhythm of my feet. And suddenly my tiredness goes away, and I no longer feel like I'm struggling uphill. But instead I'm in the groove, in the flow. My body matching the tempo of the music. And for a few minutes, this crazy

More on Surrender

A few weeks ago on two separate occasions I heard some very impacting words that have continued my thinking of this theme of surrender.  One was a quote in a sermon preached by Andy Luchies - which you can listen to Here.  One is a line from a song titled Dawn to Dusk written by All Sons and Daughters - which you can preview Here.  The paraphrased quote and song lyric go as follows:

The pain of discipline is more bearable than the pain of regret.  

Tomorrow's freedom is today's surrender.

Both of these hit a nerve with me, and really they feel like two sides of the same coin.  I can choose to listen to God, to surrender my selfishness and pride, let go of my own will, submit to and endure His discipline to ultimately find freedom.  Or I can shut out God's voice, stay in my selfishness and pride, hold on to what I want, choosing momentary pleasure but ultimately feel the pain of regret.  

This also seems like it can apply to a vast array of life's struggles.
If I seek financial freedom, today I have to surrender impulse purchases and be disciplined to save.
If I want physical health and freedom, today I need to endure by disciplining my eating habits and enduring through exercise.
If I want freedom from sin, I need to surrender to God in the moment of weakness and let the Holy Spirit work in my heart, mold me day by day to be more like Christ.
And if I want to live in freedom, to live a life wholly devoted to Jesus, it will often take surrender and experiencing that pain of God's discipline, listening to Him and walking with Him.

One thing I love about these quotes is that they acknowledge that surrender is painful.  Discipline, in both senses of the word (practicing a daily discipline, and enduring God's loving correction), is not easy, but often painful.  But I have to agree that enduring that pain is infinitely better than the pain of regret, the pain of not being free.

Redefine Part 2: Surrender vs. Decide

If you have ever heard the same story told by two different people, you know that different perspectives can completely change the outlook on a situation.  For example…

Viewpoints Video

The exact same sequence of events seen from different points of view can make you come to different conclusions.

This is something I have been thinking about when it comes to having a relationship with God.  Do we decide to follow God?  Doesn’t God pursue us?  Love us first before we even know it?  But even still, it is still my choice to follow God, right?

There is a familiar chorus that says, “I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back.”  I feel that many Christians would say that they made a decision to follow Jesus, that after careful thought and consideration, or after a certain clarifying moment in their lives, they decided to commit their lives to God.  And from their perspective, that is how it feels – I was not following God, and then for various reasons, I decided to follow Him.  Though God is obviously a part of this decision, it really puts the responsibility and direction of our relationship with God in our hands.

But from the perspective of looking back on my life, when I take in the sequence of events that I have gone through, it becomes much clearer how active God has been in my life, how He has lead me and guided me with His loving kindness.  He has pursued me with gentleness and love.  He has been patient through my half-hearted growth and He has been faithful despite my erratic devotion.  He has not changed, but has consistently drawn me closer to Himself, wooing me and showing me the depth of His love.  And for my part, I stumble and stammer, sometimes walking with Him, and other times losing my footing. 

Realizing all of this, the idea of “I have decided…” does not seem to be appropriate.  If “decided” is the right word, then I have had to make that decision over and over again.  Yet somehow, I know that I have a relationship with God that is not lost despite my ups and downs. 

I am starting to think a much more appropriate term for the beginning and continuing of my relationship with God is Surrender.  This is still an action on my part, but with much more recognition of God’s hand working in me.  I have surrendered my life to Jesus.  And as I continue to walk imperfectly through this life, I will continue to surrender different aspects of my heart to Him as He leads me, as He molds me and shapes me.  I have surrendered my desire to be the one making decisions but instead desire to have Jesus as Lord and Master.  

Redefine Part 1 : Wisdom vs. Requests

Everyday we all operate out of internal constructs that tell us how life works and how we should live.  We have been taught through life experiences, through other people, through education, and many other influences, that this is how things are.  For example, if someone has continuously had people hurt them - parents, friends, lovers - they learn in their mind and heart that people cannot be trusted, and they begin operating out of this idea.  They close their hearts to love, keep others at arms length, and assume that only they can take care of and provide for themselves.   

There is definitely a danger when these narratives in our lives are false.  We usually end up hurting ourselves or others, and rob ourselves of the fullness of life we could have.  In my own life changing these false ideas has been often difficult, but always worth it in the end.  Sometimes the realization that I am living out of an incorrect view of things is a long uncovering process in my heart, and other times it takes mere seconds to recognize a false narrative for what it is and adopt a new perspective.  Lately I have experienced this a few times, and I want to explore here how these things are being redefined.

Prayer.  How do we pray?  What do we pray for?  I have to admit, like most people I know in the Christian community, it is very easy to pray and ask God to do things for me.  God, please make it not rain on that day we have an outdoor event.  God, please help me do well on my test.  God, please help us drive safely as we travel.  God, please make my baby sleep.

Please make my baby sleep – this is the prayer I was about to pray a few weeks ago when Jordyn was having a really rough day.  But as I was sitting there, holding her, it struck me that she is a baby.  And babies cry.  And cry.  And do not always sleep well.  I cannot expect that every time she is cranky, I can pray, and God will make her sleep. 

So I started to think about what I pray for, and what I should pray for.  There is a big difference between asking God to do something for me, and seeking His presence within my life and circumstances.  When Jordyn is not sleeping and crying, I can pray for His presence, for patience, for His love – that goes beyond our understanding – to fill me so that I can endure these hard moments. 

In the end I prayed for wisdom.  God, give me wisdom to know what is best for my daughter in every situation.  Wisdom to know when to gently hold her and soothe her, or when to walk away and take a breather.  God, give me your heart for her, that I can love her and care for her the way that You love and care for us.  I know there are going to be lots of hard moments – being a parent, but in all of life too.  God is not going to fix them all, because that’s not what it is about.  God is much more about relationship than quick fixes or instant answers.  So now I often pray for wisdom, inner strength, love, patience, and most of all an awareness of His presence in me each moment.  

Context

Growing up as a kid in the church, there are certain verses from the Bible that you learn, memorize and basically have engrained in your mind.  For example –

John 3:16 – God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life.

Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

Philippians 4:4 – Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again, Rejoice.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 – Encourage one another, and build each other up…

These are amazing verses indeed.  However, all of them are little snippets from longer passages, and I wonder what we miss by making them such small, bite size memorable chunks.

Here is where this is coming from.  Yesterday I was listening to a passage of scripture being read, and another one of these verses came up that I have had memorized since I was little.  However, hearing it read in the context of the larger section of scripture, I was amazed at the meaning and depth of the passage that I was missing out on.  I could do this for all of the above scriptures, but I won’t (unless asked…).  But I just want to take a look at the one from yesterday.

The short, bite-sized verse I have memorized is this:

Romans 3:23 – For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

This is a good verse.  It is a true verse, and even on its own, there is a lot to take away from it.  But on its own, where does this verse leave me?  What does this verse say about me, and about God?

I, like everyone, have sinned.  I have fallen short of the glory of God.  God has a standard to which we are to try to live up to, and I cannot do it.  I have disappointed God, and most likely he is angry at me because of this.  My identity is one of failure.  My relationship with God is one of shame.  I’ve messed up and he must be so disappointed in me. 

Now, some of those thoughts are true – I have sinned, I have fallen short, I cannot live up to God’s standard.  But I think where it goes wrong is the conclusions that can be reached about what that means for me, and who God is, what relationship with God is possible.

Bigger context –

Romans 3:21-24 – But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify.  This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.  There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

How does this change the understanding of this verse?  


It’s not about me being a failure.  And it’s not about God being angry about that.  It’s about God already knowing how I have failed, how I can never be righteous on my own, and in His crazy love for me, for us, offering us a place at His table because of Jesus sacrifice on the cross.  God is not angry.  God gets it, that we cannot do this without Him.  All who believe are justified freely by his grace.  [justified – made right, validated, accepted…]  We are not just forgiven and therefore tolerated, yet still identified as a failure.  We are forgiven, accepted, made whole, and welcomed into God’s immeasurable love and grace.

When I read Romans 3:23 alone, I feel like a failure, and like God is always going to be fundamentally disappointed in me. 

When I read the larger context (P.S. – try reading all of Ch. 3, or even all of the book of Romans!) – I feel loved, and like God considered me worth fighting for – not because of who I am, but because of who He is.  And I do not feel like God is angry at me.  I feel like God wants me to get it too, to get what He has done for me, and to live as His redeemed child.  

Backwards Economy

Right now I'm reading in Proverbs, and I'm reading it in the Message paraphrase.  This morning this verse struck me.


Proverbs 11:24 - The world of the generous gets larger and larger; the world of the stingy gets smaller and smaller.


It struck me in a few different ways.  It would be easy to think that this verse is describing some sort of mystic backwards financial strategy - the more money I give away, the more money I will get.  That somehow God will bless me more financially for giving to others.  To be honest, that's the first thing that came to mind for me.


But I don't think that is what this verse is saying.  I don't even know if this verse is about money primarily.  We can be generous with money, but also with our time, our love, our talents, our possessions, our homes.  


And the world getting larger and larger for the generous?  I think this is about people, not financial return.   As Shane Claiborne would say, this is about a new economy where money loses its power, where the more you give to others, the larger your community becomes and the more we take care of one another.  


The world of the stingy gets smaller and smaller because those who hold onto their money, time and love with clenched fists are only trying to take care of themselves.  They are hoarders of their wealth, cautious with their hearts and because of that their world is confined to the places and people they feel they can control.


The world of the generous gets larger and larger because they are consistently touching more and more peoples lives.  Giving of our money, time, or love doesn't necessarily mean we will get those things back in exact or larger portions, but I think it does mean that God will use our expanding family and community to take care of us when a need arises.  With a perspective of abundance and reliance on God, we love one another, care for one another's needs and burdens, and continue to embrace those who God brings our way.  

Perspective: Gratitude

One week ago along with my youth group, I was at All Ontario Youth Convention and had the opportunity to  hear Shane Claiborne speak.  One week later, I'm still digesting some of the things I heard that pricked my heart.  One of the questions that I've been faced with this past week is - what does it mean to live a life of gratitude?


Here are some of my own thoughts from this past week that normally would appear normal, but are really born out of an ungrateful heart...

• Pregnancy is getting really uncomfortable - swollen feet and hands, hurts to walk, hurts to sleep
• That angry customer I just talked to was a major pain in the neck
• I'm bored
• I wish I had enough money to buy...
• Waking up in the middle of the night is getting very frustrating 
• The rooms in my house are too small, I wish we had more space
• It's hot outside
• and on and on and on....

This past week when thoughts like this have come to mind, some of them have actually caught my attention and made me stop and think.  I need to foster a heart of gratitude instead of self-focused entitlement.  When I think of Jesus, of His love and grace, of the ways God has blessed me, and when I broaden my view to think of others, what they are facing and going through, there is no reason to live ungrateful.

• I have a beautiful baby growing inside of me when others have not been able to conceive or carry a baby to term
• I have access to incredible health care that will allow this baby to come into the world healthy and strong, and that will take care of me
• I have been blessed with a great job that I enjoy, great staff to work with, and a steady income
• If someone is angry on the phone, I do not know their life situation and what they are going through.  And I have the Spirit with me, to walk with me if I feel hurt by anothers words
• God provides 
• I have a house, I have a bed, these are incredible gifts that millions of people go without
• I live in a wonderful country with changing seasons that all have their own beauty.
• No matter what I struggle with, God does not treat me as I deserve, but as a Father with his daughter, He treats me with love, grace and forgiveness.  And He walks with me as I try to become more like Him.

I want to live in gratitude each day for who God is and what He has done in my life.  The thing is, it does not stop at merely feeling grateful.  From hearing Shane speak, a life of gratitude goes much further.  It may start with expressing thanks to God, using words, prayers and musical worship to try and express that gratitude.  This is very appropriate and a great response to God for all He has done for us.  But it does not stop there.  

A life of gratitude looks around and says "this is too good to keep to myself" (Shane).  It gives birth to amazing generosity, reckless sharing, and an opening of ones hands and heart.  A life of gratitude looks at the blessings God has given to me - Love, Grace, financial security, food, possessions, knowledge, talents, etc. and says - "I want to let God bless others through me."  Whatever we have in our hands that God has given to us, we can choose to hold onto tightly, or we can use to love and bless others.  A life of gratitude loves and blesses others - and spreads the love and grace of Jesus all over.

This is something I'm still trying to figure out.  And I know God will walk with me through this.  I think it starts with a perspective change, like I was encountering this past week - recognizing my closed hand attitudes of ungratefulness, and choose to instead look with a heart of gratitude at each moment, each joy and struggle I face.  

Not Far Off

How do we deal with those moments where suddenly (or not so suddenly) God feels far away?  


Last night as I fell asleep my prayer to God was simply saying "I feel like you're far away," and not knowing what else I should say or do to "fix" that.  After a somewhat restless sleep, when I woke up my mind was immediately filled with thoughts of God's love for me.  And I marvelled and thanked Him that His love is so much greater than our love.  He does not move away from us, but when we turn away from Him, and then turn back, He is right there.


I had a similar moment a few months ago.  I was struggling with prayer (still am...).  And at a youth retreat weekend called Shape, we were given time to just sit and be alone with God, to listen for His voice.  So I was talking to Him about how I was struggling with prayer, and I felt the Spirit say "I am not far off.  When you pray, I am right there listening."  


Often since then when I'm not sure what to pray, or when I'm feeling like I did last night, that somehow I have gotten distracted and moved away from God, I feel the prompting of His Spirit say "Remember, I am not far off..."  


I think often when we get to the point where we can feel a distance between us and God, it comes after a longer time of ignoring what is taking us away from Him.  The reason could be sin, fear, or simply busyness and distraction.  I have experienced each of these.  Often I am simply choosing to fill my mind and time with silly things and not putting God first in my life.  Other times, like right now, I have something I am worried about, and rather than surrendering it to Him, I let this distance grow.  


But when I feel God say "I am not far off," I am reminded that the road back to closeness with God is not long and arduous.  There may be things I have to deal with, but getting back to God is as simple as turning around and recognizing that He is right there waiting.  He is not far off.  When I recognize how I have stepped away and when I let Him turn me around, His love is right there to surround me once again.  

Movement

I love baby movement!  I have been feeling my baby move for about 13 weeks and I have not gotten over it yet.  When the baby moves, it is a sign of life and a sign of growth.  As an expectant mother, it is always a positive thing to feel my baby move.  


But what about for the baby?  I know that every time he (or she) moves, it is not out of excitement and joy of being alive!  Sometimes he is cramped and uncomfortable, trying to find a better position.  Sometimes he is reacting to external stimuli.  If I drink something cold, he might be moving away from that odd sensation.  If there is a loud noise, he might be startled.  If there is a big change from dark to light, again the baby is reacting to something that is new or uncertain.  


Other times the baby is reacting to the sound of my voice talking or singing.  Or he is just awake and moving around for fun.  


But I take all movement as good - all movement is a sign that this baby is growing and alive!  


It has made me wonder...  When we cry out to God in hard circumstances, when we figuratively (or literally?) kick and scream over discomfort in our lives, when we react to new or uncomfortable things - does God get excited because these are signs of life?  Does He say - Yes!  She's growing, she's going through things that are going to develop her character and make her more into the woman I'm forming her to be! 


I know this is too simplistic - I know that God grieves with us when we grieve, that He is bringing His Kingdom, and He is in the process of making all things new, doing away with pain, suffering and death.  And I know He tells us to cast our cares on Him because He cares for us.  But I still wonder if from His perspective, when we struggle and wrestle with hard things, if to Him this is a sign of life and growth that excites Him for what He knows is coming.